Untitled

No I didn't forget to change the title.

I am struggling to have a title. Each of these posts has a title. I have a title at work. I have one in my home. Folks have one for me. I have titles for everyone else. What I don't know is what title I want to use for myself. The few that spring immediately to mind are either arrogant or derogatory, a reflection of the pride and self-esteem issues I have fought for years.

But these are not me. I am not sure what me is. One would think that by this time in my life I would have some kind of idea. I don't.

So for now I choose to be untitled. It is kind of refreshing, you should try it.

Listening ear

There is a guy at work that I have a great privilege of hanging out with on a weekly basis. It isn't just "hanging out" as much as is it "delve the dark recesses of our spiritual and personal existence with a rescue party in tow". Garry and I share some of the same fears, troubles and happiness in life. Excellent jobs that seem unfulfilling but pay the bills. Loving wives to whom we are devoted. Kids that make our lives so easy that we have trouble finding legitimate things to complain about. A spiritual walk that is grounded and lived out. The thing we share most though is a feeling that we are missing the boat. That life has passed us by. That we are casualties of the war men fight to "do the right thing". Yet we know that this feeling is wrong.

It is that last point that showed me the idiocy of my previous way of dealing with life. For 20 years I fought an internal battle with myself, alone, wounded, slowly bleeding to death. It wasn't until Garry and I started talking that I realized I was one of many lying in a hospital waiting to recover. Funny thing is the wounds are self inflicted. My isolation, self imposed isolation, prevented me from getting the type of "kick in the pants" I needed.

I am not saying that "hanging out" with someone is what helped me see the reality of my life. It was, is, Garry's willingness to listen and comment that has been the biggest help to me. I hope that I might someday repay that favor.

What is really important?

Let me start with the obvious. I don't know. What I do know is that many things that we think are important are not. Things like school, jobs, "quality time", being right. That last one is the big one.

After a fight with the daughter I wonder if importance is less of an absolute scale, a zero to ten rank, and more of a relational scale. Something like X is more important than Y but less important than Q and on line with T. Then the next day you find that T is more important than Q so now X is also more important than Q as well. I am convinced that the reality is this relational scale is the only real way to determine what is and is not really important.

The problem is that when we change the importance of T should we really have elevated X as well? Or do we simply maintain the T and X relationship out of habit? I am willing to bet that habit is the driver more than a real evaluation of X. Big stinking deal. Except that if we don't really evaluate X then we are now moving away from the relational scale and back to the absolute scale.

I am not saying that we should map out all that relationships between that "things" that are important to us and reevaluate this map every moment of every day. What I am saying is that we should be cognizant that what is important today may not be as important tomorrow. Likewise, what is unimportant today me be the most important thing tomorrow.

One of our jobs as parents, is to demonstrate this to our kids by making sure that we place the right level of importance on what we do.

Ratios

I am actually pretty good with math. I just "get it". The daughter "gets it" too. most of the time. Not tonight though. Which makes it that much more frustrating when she keeps interrupting me in the middle of the explanation of a problem. I know she can get this.

I guess this highlights the unspoken "ratio problem" that parents never seem to really talk about: are we as parents really up to the job? We know that the kids are smarter than us, better looking, more athletic, the hope of the future. We are relics of the past, decaying away into worn out nearly useless antiques of a bygone era. The ratio does not look to be balanced in our favor.

We can change this though. Learn to provide instruction without showing anger. Direct the frustration away from the relationship with the child. Learn to say "I don't know". At least then we can hold our heads high when our kids realize that we really didn't know what we were doing and proclaim "at least we were honest!"

I need to go work on my ratios.

Bad planning

The title should be "no planning" if you want to know the truth. As in "I did not plan my time and now I have no idea what to write about."

Which is not really the right thing to say on your daily blog post.

human rights

The health care debate is being fought on the wrong front. All we need to answer is one question. Is access to health care a fundamental right of any human? Once you have decided this question there is no argument left to be had. If you answer "no" then there is no obligation to provide health care. If you answer "yes" then the only legitimate option is universal coverage paid for by a universal tax.

Either way, the current debate is a "hoax" that is distracting us, the American people, from looking at the real issue that confronts us. Namely, do we love our neighbors as a free people should?

one win != winning

I know, I know. One win does not make a winning streak. But man it feels good.

Losing

She lost. Again. Everyone knows she can play. Even the coach from the other team asked us if it was all "head" problems. There isn't much we can do except keep encouraging and trying to find new ways to support her. Man is it tough! On one hand you want to yell. On the other you want to cry. I can see the frustration build in her face until she collapses under the weight of it and gives up on a match. But she goes back out there and plays again. Never quitting, just starting over.

Whoever discovered water was the most erosive force on earth, must have had a daughter who refused to give up no matter how many marks were in the loss column. The sweat and tears on the side lines are nothing compared to those left on the court.

Lesser of two evils

Following the rules is not easy. Especially when you don't agree with the rules you are following. But the worst, in my opinion, is when you agree with the rules, but someone or something causes you to be in direct conflict with rules. When that happens it becomes a game of choosing the lesser of two evils.

On one hand you have the rule that will be violated. You will be a rule breaker. On the other the conflict that will result from you following the rules. You will be a square, stickler, a goody two shoes. There is no win-win here, just win-lose. Which side you wind up on really doesn't matter at the end of the day, as long as you know that you make the best decision you could have made at the time.

Which is why so many of my bad decision seemed so right at the time, and so many of my good decisions looked so bad when I made them.

Criticism without authority

I was recently, and quite correctly, told to shut up. The topic was whether a book was good or not. I as a completely untrained, but experienced reader had a preference that I was expressing. But when I started to weigh in on the structure, plot, and character development, my preferences became worthless. At first I was offended by this, but a little be later the conversation turned to computers. Suddenly the tables were turned. This is something I have authority to discuss.

All to often I find that folks mistake authority for opinion when it comes to expressing themselves. Opinion is fine when the evaluation is qualitative or subjective, where expressing a preference is the idea. It is when we turn to quantitative evaluations, where fact, evidence, precedence and accepted best practice are important that we need to look to authorities for guidance.

Authorities are made. These folks have established the right to stand up and say "this is the way it is". We can question and disagree, but an authority has a track record that establishes them as a voice of expertise. This right is not always granted in the expected ways. Sometimes a degree will grant authority to a person, sometimes a life of service, sometimes it is simply a history of "being right".

In my discussion about the value of a book, I was leveling my opinion against another person's authority derived from being 1) an author 2) a professor 3) an editor. My technical criticism of the book was about as legitimate as his opinion about the value of 32 bit operating systems in an modern computing environment. We both knew the same words, but only one of us had earned the right to use them critically.

Fast forward a few hours and I need to talk to the daughter about a little problem we have brewing. Nothing big, but an opportunity to make a big mistake. If we get into a battle of opinions neither of us will win. If we can agree on who has established a right to be the authority on the subject, an expert in the field, then we can actually make progress to a solution.

It is not the authority of strength, but the authority of experience that has the right to say "shut up and listen".

The OCD in each of us.

I am not OCD unless you consider my seeming to think all dirty socks should live on the floor and not in the laundry basket an indicator (which means that every teenager and every male of the species is OCD). Funny thing is that I am noticing clear signs of OCD in the everyday actions of folks around me, including myself. The best part about this is the absolute ridiculousness of this "OCD light". Example:

• If I wear "the wrong shoes" to work I feel off. Not that I particularly like my work shoes, but with my boots on (like today) I find it very difficult to focus on anything but my footwear.
• Sugar cubes for my coffee, not packets or spoons. I know there is no difference, but coffee with cubes is just right.
• My parking spot. If someone parks in "my spot" the entire day is just off.

Seriously, does it really matter that my knees are a little higher when I sit at my desk? Why does the purl of the boot sock draw my mind away from the meeting? IT IS JUST FOOTWEAR! And yet it ruled my day.

I know I am not alone in these tendencies. I see it in church, in restaurants, at the grocery store. We are creatures of habit to the point of distraction. We need to remember this when we are dealing with others.

My pen

I'll admit it, my memory for things like tasks and where I left my pants, has never been all that good. As I am getting older it is getting worse. Ask me about a book that I read in 3rd grade and I am likely to recite the entire text including page numbers. Ask me my phone number or address and I will need a phone book. Being the person that I am I eventually remembered to do something about this little problem of mine and I bought one of those smart pens. Boy-O-Boy what an invention! Easy to decipher notes, recording of conversations so I don't miss my "to-dos", where was this thing when I was in school?!

Now if only I could find the pen…